Margaret Mitchell's The Fucking Truth

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."
- Margaret Mitchell

Life's pretty good right now. I read this quote earlier on today and spent the good portion of my day thinking about it (even through my shift at work). Whenever people ask me about my past relationships, I always say that they were all good while they lasted.

It sort of catches people off guard because it sounds pessimistic, but it has nothing to do with expecting an end-life; but it has everything to do with knowing it might have one. I try to enjoy things for what they are, as they are; but I know that it's sometimes easier said than done.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

I know it's been covered before, but I did a quick search and couldn't find anything that covered it from my angle. 

I see a lot of relationships that don't work out. I also see a lot of guys who get friend-zoned permanently. And the reason both of those things happen is because girls think that a boyfriend and a best friend are supposed to be separate things. It's sort of like diversifying; by keeping the boyfriend and best friend opposite, they don't risk putting all of their eggs into one basket. In the event that something goes wrong, they still have the other one left. 

But this seemingly reasonable thing to do is also the reason why it tends not to work out for a lot of people. Or if it does, it's not as great as they deserve/it should be. Maybe it's just me, but a significant other IS essentially a best friend that you're intimate with. If you look at all the relationships that have turned out well, you'll notice that most of them have established a pretty solid friendship before taking it a step further. 

Girls figure that when the boyfriend leaves, the best friend will be there for them. But what they don't realize is that the boyfriend's less likely to leave if they're each other's best friends, too. It's a simple formula, really - you find yourself someone who you can't get tired of, and you continue to see them. Have you ever heard someone talk about their significant other when they're madly in love? Listen to what they say, and that's essentially the formula.

I used to wonder how someone could get tired of their girlfriend. If that's the case, then maybe she shouldn't be your girlfriend. If you're not inclined to see them, then there's a good probability that you should be seeing someone else (someone who you want to see). I'm not leaving out of consideration that people get busy, or that everyone needs their own time every now and then...but sometimes I hear people bitching about how they're getting pretty tired of their boyfriend/girlfriend. And I always ask why they're still with them. The answer always seems to be "I don't know". Yet, they stay together only to realize that they should've seen it coming when they break up months later. I also realize that feelings fluctuate, but should they ever drop THAT low?

I've even heard couples scheme about how they're gonna trick their significant other and get away with something. I don't know about you guys, but I really have no real intention of lying to any of my best friends. If I have to lie to them, then I probably don't trust them enough to be their best friend (unless you're a compulsive liar. You know who you are! hahaha). I really don't see the point of playing mind games. Not only is it a waste of time...it's pretty fucking annoying - if you absolutely must do that shit, then do it when you're courting each other. How the fuck are people still playing hard to get when they're already together? 

But maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe you're supposed to get disappointed every time you separate the best friend and the boyfriend. Maybe it's supposed to be that way (no sarcasm). Of course, all of this goes out the window if you're just fucking around. But most girls aren't - so give this method a try and see how it works out for you. 

Or maybe some of you people don't want it work out for you - and if that's the case, then I get why, but I sort of don't get why you bother. Playing around with people's feelings just to boost your self-perception and security is not only a dick move, but it also ruins it for the guys who have to date the girl that you just made insecure (same applies vice-versa). 

Lastly, it's not always the girl's fault. "Nice guys" get friend-zoned because they don't have a backbone. Try being a giant pussy and see what girl wants to get romantic with a mirrored version of herself. I'm not recommending that you be an insensitive asshole - I'm just saying that you can't be someone's bitch and expect to be anything more than that.

Sure, there's less risk in diversifying. And quantitatively, there's less to lose. But qualitatively, you lose so much more. Bigger risks tend to yield bigger rewards...and if you're only in this for safety and security, then maybe you're playing the wrong game.

Peace,

- knowledge


Oh, and my quote of the day is: "Even garbage cans eat steaks sometimes" - Tasha Mack. 

Arranged Marriages Make Sense?!

I was talking about "the future" (in terms of families, careers, education, etc.) with a full-timer at work and we sort of went off on a tangent when he mentioned that his marriage was arranged. I've only actually known a couple of people who got an arrange marriage (and the shift just begun), so I figured I'd ask him everything that I've always wanted to know about arranged marriages.

The whole concept of arranged marriages didn't sit with me. It also didn't help that my westernized mind wasn't really cultured to accept it.

Basically, your parents choose who YOU'RE going to spend the rest of YOUR life with. It sound's absurd, doesn't it? I was actually really surprised when thought about it... 'cause it makes a lot of sense.

Would YOU want an arranged marriage? Why or why not?

Is it even really "love" if the arranged marriage is actually successful?! If "love" can come out of two random people chosen by one's parents, then how is choosing (ourselves) any more different or real?

Arranged marriages make so much sense, once you actually think about it. I realized a couple of things after our discussion...

The North American population places so much importance on the self. It's all about the "me". Everything about North America stresses the importance of the self before others (not that I'm against it :D). Now, contrast that with the south-Asian cultures - they place much more importance on collectivity, community, and family. From those points, it would be safe to assume that their culture deems it more important for a family to be generally happy, than just the couple by themselves. My co-worker even demonstrated this by using the hand analogy: (bend one finger back. Does it hurt? Now bend four fingers back at the same time. The pain is drastically reduced).

If the primary goal is to create a family, then maybe "love" is only a by-product that may or may not come out of the marriage. In other words, love isn't exactly the point of getting married (*gasp!*). The purpose of marriage (for them) is primarily to establish their future (through children) with the creation of a family. In our society, it's the other way around - we marry for love, and eventually want to get settled down & start a family.

If we look into it, the Canadian track record of marriages hasn't been so great (1222 divorces for ever 100 000 marriages). India hasn't been doing too bad (at about 1100 for every 100 000 marriages). Keep in mind that India also has a significantly higher population - Canada has 33 311 389 vs. India's 1 139 964 932 (millions vs. a billion+ ).

Cultural values have a HUGE influence on this, so I can't really say that it's being an arranged marriage (by itself) that makes it work. BUT, for the most part, the Western society is more likely to get divorced (regardless of whatever reasons may factor in). I'd also like to point out that there's a big difference in the value of marriages between Canada and India. Canada, for the most part, is accepting of divorces (since it was made legal in 1968)...it's not even really frowned upon by society ("oh, you got divorced? It's cool, I got a friend that I'd like you to meet and no, it's not me.") In India, on the other hand...getting married and divorced ruins a woman's reputation. It's sad to say...but they sort of become like "damaged goods" that no one wants (for the people who need an analogy: think of any electronics that you returned because there was something wrong with it. Now, best buy has to sell it as an open-boxed item which no one really wants...unless that "thing" makes good sandwiches. I'm joking)

I know that there are too many factors to consider but the idea still can't be completely discredited because it's still a fact that a Western marriage is less likely to be successful than an Eastern one might be.

My co-worker also said that arranged marriages often have extensive background checks - that makes sense too. Why give the pride of your life (your daughter/son) away to someone you can't trust, doesn't have a good history, is a known goat-stealer, has taken water from your well when you weren't looking, etc. What's interesting is that when I thought about it, this ALSO makes more sense than us randomly dating someone - we meet people to take them out on a date and get to know them little by little. Who knows? They might even turn out to be a little bit crazy. My co-worker's family does the background check before deciding whether they should even begin to see each other. Once that got okay'd, he flew over to Canada & married her 20 days later.

Arranged marriages also try to minimize baggage: all the cards are laid out on the table - the family basically picks the criteria and weeds out the "unworthy" or unsuitable person for you ("oh, she once picked her nose in public when she was 3? Next!") In the western world, this is like the trial & error until finding someone that you want to marry, except our feelings get involved and we risk getting hurt. Years could even be said to be wasted if it doesn't work out.

I think that it's also important to note that feelings cloud our judgment. We all know that when feelings get involved, we tend to make mistakes because we can't choose or decide objectively. Parent's aren't emotionally involved with the actual partner they're setting you up with, so it can be argued that they're more likely to see things objectively than you can. If they're not choosing based on the reputation or money that it'll bring, then they're truly from the "outside looking in."

My co-worker says that it turned out well. He also says that most of them turn out well. He even says that he loves her. In the end, it's just another method - and it can be argued that it works just as well as dating to eventually get married.

I never used to think that arranged marriages were justified, but as of now... I'm pro-arranged marriages (given the right premises & intents). Would I personally want one? HELL NO. I'd rather do the choosing myself...but at least I can sort of understand them now. I hope you can too.

Peace,

- knowledge